With Halloween around the corner, our fearless leader, Heather, prompts with this:
This whole thing as been an exercise in fear, the unknown, & conquering it.
When the two lines came up pink, I was overcome by fear & got the cold, slippery feeling in my stomach. Driving back East sans boyfriend, I was afraid for my future, of my abilities, capabilities. I remember worrying about buying life insurance —- I wasn’t even showing yet.
I was afraid that Betty & Barney wouldn’t like me.
While I didn’t fear labor/childbirth (because I kept telling myself that women had been doing it since the beginning of time and at least I wouldn’t be squatting in a potato field, dropping a baby, and going back to spud pickin’), I was unsure about spending time with the Kid in the hospital. I did, as much as I could. But I was afraid of him: afraid to comfort him, afraid to feed him, change him, do anything remotely maternal.
I was afraid that Betty & Barney didn’t like me.
I was afraid of Betty. Betty & her power.
I’m wary of the Kid. Not afraid, wary.
The previous fears have never been fully resolved. I don’t think there’s any amount of information I could receive that would cushion the past’s blows. It’s been more about moving on. Many of these fears, while unresolved, are moot. My life in open adoption is more about “Fuck that noise, I’m gonna email Betty & get some information”. More about texts every few months that say “Hey Kid. How’s things?”. I don’t have to sit idly by.
The fears all come from a place of perceived powerlessness, where my I felt that I had no leverage, nobody on my side, no safety net. Things are different now. I’m part of a community, I have support, I can send off an email without fear of repercussion — because I went through 3 years of “repercussions”. What’s worse than that?