Open Adoption Roundtable #31

With Halloween around the corner, our fearless leader, Heather, prompts with this:

Write about open adoption and being scared.

This whole thing as been an exercise in fear, the unknown, & conquering it.

When the two lines came up pink, I was overcome by fear & got the cold, slippery feeling in my stomach.  Driving back East sans boyfriend, I was afraid for my future, of my abilities, capabilities.  I remember worrying about buying life insurance —- I wasn’t even showing yet.

I was afraid that Betty & Barney wouldn’t like me.

While I didn’t fear labor/childbirth (because I kept telling myself that women had been doing it since the beginning of time and at least I wouldn’t be squatting in a potato field, dropping a baby, and going back to spud pickin’), I was unsure about spending time with the Kid in the hospital.  I did, as much as I could.  But I was afraid of him:  afraid to comfort him, afraid to feed him, change him, do anything remotely maternal.

I was afraid that Betty & Barney didn’t like me.

I was afraid of Betty. Betty & her power.

I’m wary of the Kid.  Not afraid, wary.

The previous fears have never been fully resolved.  I don’t think there’s any amount of information I could receive that would cushion the past’s blows.  It’s been more about moving on.  Many of these fears, while unresolved, are moot. My life in open adoption is more about “Fuck that noise, I’m gonna email Betty & get some information”.  More about texts every few months that say “Hey Kid.  How’s things?”.  I don’t have to sit idly by.

The fears all come from a place of perceived powerlessness, where my I felt that I had no leverage, nobody on my side, no safety net.  Things are different now.  I’m part of a community, I have support, I can send off an email without fear of repercussion — because I went through 3 years of “repercussions”.  What’s worse than that?

6 thoughts on “Open Adoption Roundtable #31”

  1. I don’t think there’s any amount of information I could receive that would cushion the past’s blows. It’s been more about moving on.

    This blew my mind. A little. Okay, I lie. A lot. That’s exactly where I am right now. In the middle of trying to make sense of all the blows I took in the past, and figuring out which ones will always be semi-open wounds, and which ones are just of the move the eff on variety.

    Your writing makes me smile, just so you know. 🙂

    1. It’s HARD. I mean, most women who have made the same choice don’t even know where to start. I didn’t. I had no basis or experience with this kind of loss. Trying to navigate it all has been, well, tricky (as you have no doubt read). Thanks for stopping by & commenting, Danielle. 🙂

      1. That’s precisely it! Where do you start? There is SO much that has to be dealt with that it’s so hard to figure out what is connected to what, and where it starts, if it really started there or somewhere else.

        No problem! Thanks for sharing! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *