Tag Archives: cat

My Cat is a Douchebag

I’m one of those pet owners that assigns human qualities to my charges.  For instance, Porkchop sounds like Patty/Selma & swears a LOT.  Her current favorite phrase is “get off my goddamn lawn you goddamn kids!”.  And then there’s Stache.

It has come to my attention over the past few weeks that Stache is in fact, a douchebag.  I’ve tweeted about it a handful of times, mainly following each major act of jackassery which usually involves him making a run at slow, old, dying, defenseless Porkchop.

Stache, in human form, is in his mid-twenties.  His most recognizable traits include wearing a visor 24/7 & madras shorts.  Yes, madras. He’s chubby, but used to be thin.  It was all of that shitty beer & pizza at the frat house in college, where he was the Rush Chairman. He also spread chlamydia to approximately one third of  female freshman class.  He was well aware that Eric Clapton’s “Time Pieces” was a sure thing to get Coed Betty in the sack.

Typically, he received a degree in Business Administration, which really wasn’t necessary because he works in Daddy’s Firm, where he is paid 70K/yr for sexually harassing the ladies in The Firm & taking long (liquid) lunches.  “Boys will be boys”, his mother says.

I believe he was last seen at the convenience store at 5am, getting ice for his charter fishing day trip, wearing a visor.